Children and prison: getting the kids through it

Around 200,000 children in England and Wales have a parent inside. Your child is not the only one, you are not failing them, and there are ways to do this well.

Telling them

• Tell the truth, simply. "Mummy broke a rule and has to stay in a place called prison for a while." Details of the offence can wait for age and readiness.
• Say the two magic sentences: it is not your fault, and you are loved. Children quietly blame themselves. Say it more than once.
• Expect strange questions ("does he have a bed?") and answer them straight. Children worry about concrete things.
• Do not promise dates you do not have. Get a real one from the release date tool and then count down together.

School

Tell one trusted adult at school. Teachers see this more than you think, and a child who is suddenly tearful or angry gets kindness instead of trouble when someone understands why. You can ask for it to be kept tightly. If the school wants resources, NICCO has guidance written exactly for them.

Visits with children

• Prepare them for the searching: like the airport, everyone gets checked, it is not because of you.
• Ask about family days. Many prisons run relaxed long visits where the parent can play, eat with the kids and be a parent. These are gold. The visits team or Pact staff at the prison will know.
• Keep phone contact little and often between visits. A two minute goodnight call beats a rare long one. If money is tight, see help with visit travel and cheaper calls.
• Storybook Dads and Storybook Mums: the parent records a bedtime story inside and the CD or file comes home. Ask the prison library or chaplaincy.

When to get more help

Wobbles are normal: sleep, tummy aches, school dips, anger. If it is not settling after a few months, or something big shifts, ask for help early. Pact's free helpline (0808 808 3444) is the specialist one, and NICCO has resources for parents and schools. The school can refer for counselling. And your GP takes "my child's parent is in prison and they are struggling" seriously.

Common questions

Should I tell my child their parent is in prison?

Almost always, yes, in words that fit their age. Children sense something is wrong, and secrets tend to break at the worst moment, in a playground or from a relative. The truth, kept simple, is easier to live with: "Daddy broke a rule and has to stay somewhere called prison for a while. It is not your fault, and he loves you." You do not have to share details of the offence.

Should I tell the school?

Usually yes, at least one trusted person like the head or the class teacher. Schools deal with this more often than you would think, and a teacher who knows will handle wobbly days with kindness instead of punishment. You can ask them to keep it off the record and limit who knows.

Are prison visits OK for children?

Yes, and for most children seeing the parent is far better than imagining. Ordinary visits are busy but fine: expect airport-style searches, a table, and no wandering. Even better are family days, which many prisons run: longer, more relaxed sessions where the parent can move around, play, and be a parent for an afternoon. Ask the visits team or the family services team what the prison offers.

What do I say when my child asks how long?

Give them something concrete to hold. Younger children do better with markers than months: "after the summer" or a paper chain of sleeps for shorter stretches. Older children can handle the real date. Our release date tool gives you a date to plan around, and counting down together beats not knowing.

Who helps children with a parent in prison?

Pact (Prison Advice and Care Trust) supports families and runs services in many prisons, and their helpline is 0808 808 3444. NICCO (the National Information Centre on Children of Offenders) has resources for parents and schools. Barnardo’s runs support in some areas. And Sesame Street and Storybook Dads make brilliant material for little ones, including recorded bedtime stories from inside.